Since Sky Sports first appeared in a blaze of pom-poms and cheesy montages, the media institution and the game of football have come a hell of a long way. The money Rupert Murdoch has pumped into the Armani wallets of a generation of footballers has increased as the technology and slickness (is that a word? It is now) of coverage have developed apace. The first cracks are beginning to show.
The crack to which I refer concerns Prem Plus coverage. I don’t think the use of a poorly dubbed James Nesbitt counting down the number of games your 50 quid gets you is particularly offensive, although it does put me in mind of a telephone queuing system ("Your position in the queue. Is. Eighth. Your call is important to us."). Far from the sideshow of promotion, though, this crack runs right through the heart of the coverage – the studio.
The Prem Plus studio has always caused unease and I never knew why. Halfway through last season, I realised that Marcus Buckland and Gorgeous George Graham were flouting convention. The presenter sits on the left, the guest on the right. Find me another situation where this isn’t the case. Ok Match of the Day 2, but that doesn’t count. Neither does Countdown. Generally speaking questions can only be asked in an easterly direction. Buckland and Graham’s astonishing lack of chemistry must have been due to the fact that George was permanently wrong-footed even by a simple query over Stewart Downing’s England chances. It was like Andrew Flintoff batting left-handed.
As we all know, new seasons, like new school years, bring changes. Incidentally, I’m sure I wasn’t the only person who used to struggle to adapt to having a new classroom and for about the first week going automatically to the old one. Is this what happens when footballers move clubs and need time to ‘bed-in’? Does Darius Vassell keep turning up at Villa Park?
Back to Prem Plus, and the first offering this season was the long-awaited clash of the Nevilles. For the first time outside of a back garden in Bury, the artist formerly known as P. Neville, now slimmed down Puff Daddy-style to ‘Neville’, had the chance to prove to the world that he is the best player in his own bedroom. And Buckland and Graham had swapped places. But there was still unease. It wasn’t the suits. George Graham’s constant sporting of summer cruise chic, all beige jackets and yellow ties, hasn’t changed since the early nineties, and at least it’s currently in season. Hang on, WHERE ARE THEIR CHAIRS?
You can’t expect top class punditry without a similar level of furbishment. Look at what has happened to Gordon Strachan since he spent a season on a couch so high his feet were left dangling a yard off the ground. No such luxury for Marcus and George. They are left high and dry with not a caffe mocha or frappaccino between them. If the use of a pseudo-Starbucks set up is supposed to be some kind of homage to James Richardson’s Football Italia, it is sadly misguided. There must be some other explanation.
A look back at Soccer Saturday sheds some light on the situation. You can almost see the classified ad: Two chairs, slightly worn, suitable for coffee shop use. Will accept £300 or recently retired occasional England representative. Which goes a long way to explaining the presence of Warren Barton and John Salako on our screens.
Another possibility is that the fancy new obtrusive graphics during the match don’t come cheap. These days things are always marked out by branding, and Sky Sports shows are no different. Some have pictures on the formation screen, some don’t. None, until now, have had flames. Shooting across the top of the screen throughout the match is a moving gate into hell, into which Olof Mellberg nearly jumped head first when attempting a headed clearance.
Rumour has it that the phenomenon is actually a rip in the space time continuum caused by Shola Ameobi’s assertion that he can go to the World cup with England. Others say Graeme Souness caused the split while storming around looking for a striker he hadn’t already fallen out with. Michael Owen has actually attracted massive bids from all of the Premiership’s top clubs, but has been reluctant to move because a highlights package of missed first half chances would increase the England striker’s chances of being swallowed up by the smouldering gash. Sadly it has not been seen in the vicinity of either Barton or Salako. Perhaps that’s where the chairs went.